Jereshroom

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
ghostpalmtechnique
ghostpalmtechnique

Lots of bad news in the past week from Texas and Tennessee in the past week. So, for a change, if you would like some news that will make you smile and enrage Republicans, consider:

TL;DR - the government just made a major change to they way policy cost-benefit analysis is done, to account for the value of an additional dollar being much more for a poor person than a rich person, and therefore encouraging redistributive policies.

jereshroom

That’s super cool! Glad to have something in between the un-nuanced “equity = good” and “$1 = $1” stances.

economics politics math
liskantope
geekdawson

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

liskantope

I’m going to shamelessly hijack this (in itself perfectly reasonable and valid) post to point something out about Tumblr culture that I’ve tried to gesture at before, fully expecting that I’ll catch some flak for this.

I don’t know directly what it’s like to be the parent of a kid with serious behavioral issues (or what it’s like to be a parent in general), but I imagine that something very, very similar to the above, and equally valid, could be written about how deeply the lived reality of that can affect the way the parent feels they have to over-analyze things.

And of course, you will never, ever see a post like that show up on your Tumblr dashboard, let alone with a six-digit number of notes under it (like the OP has). Because I’ve gotten to know Tumblr culture enough to know that if, say, a parent of an autistic child were to write about the constant strain of predicting and anticipating every little thing that might set the kid off and how it might have a scarring effect how they operate in other contexts, that person would be instantly pilloried for being monstrously ableist and obviously a reprehensible failure of a parent.

One might say, this is because Tumblr has long been established as a space and a safe haven for young people, most of whom are neurodivergent in some way and many of whom were the victims of bad parenting in one way or another, and is in no way a space for parents who face challenges in parenting. That’s fine, and I don’t mean to make that out to be a problem. I’m glad that these categories of young people are able to have a safe space in Tumblr. But I think it’s good every now and then for someone to point out how such a clear example as this illustrates the skewed perspective both reflected and perpetuated by a space where posts like the OP thrive and posts like my hypothetical one are stamped down. Because when spending lots of time in a particular safe space, it’s good to be aware and vigilant against letting the local culture distort your broader perspective too far beyond an even-handed version of reality.

hbmmaster
homunculus-argument

The next time you've got a friend over, set an example and put your phone on the table, visibly there but not too far away, to let them know that you're intentionally present, not distracted, your attention is undivided and you want to be fully focused on being right there to spend time with them. Don't mention it or draw attention to this, you're not doing this to be preachy or wanting praise, you just want to be a good friend and you value your friend's time. Ideally, your friend will either notice this or even pick it up without conscious notice, and set their own phone aside on the table as well.

Then, when your friend takes a minute to go to the bathroom, grab your phone and take a photo of your friend's phone sitting on your table. Do not touch it, and put your own phone back exactly where it was immediately once you've got the picture. Carry on with whatever you two were doing.

Once your time is up and your friend has left for home, wait for a good 15 minutes or so, for them to either get back home or be well on their way there. Text your friend, "hey, you forgot your phone", and send them the photo you took of their phone on your table. Set a stopwatch running from the moment your friend sees the message.

Measure how many seconds it takes for your friend to process this and tell you to go fuck yourself.

ohshoot

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